Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You Might Also Like
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.