Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
describing stardew valley
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Blew out my flip flop…
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.