So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome