According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God鈥檚 plan for us and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going back to church anymore.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can鈥檛 move. so it鈥檚 not the windows that make the car go, it鈥檚 something else entirely
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Council: We鈥檒l pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He鈥檚 my friend.
Council: 鈥nd an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan鈥檚 laugh.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary鈥檚 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you鈥檝e got no way to tell if you鈥檙e seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
This took me a few seconds.. 馃槄
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn鈥檛 want to be judged, so I鈥檓 tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine鈥檚 Day
My kid spends so much time at the nurse鈥檚 office she now has a medical degree.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that鈥檚 not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!