Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.