Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.