Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My life in a nutshell
Not messing around
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]