Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i choose….tongue