“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories