I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Nice try, poison.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?