Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
If your wife asks âWhy donât you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?â DO NOT pause to think
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I feel attacked.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
time machine? you mean a clock?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonaldâs âFree refills on same visit onlyâ sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Iâm just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. Iâm Tetanus Woodscrew
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries itâs just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow thatâs a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
đ
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the âThis isnât so badâ phase comes the âI should call someone who knows what theyâre doingâ phase.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: đ¤Śââď¸
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*posts âGlitter is my favorite colorâ*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isnât a color*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I spilled beer on a guy. He said âYou wanna dance?” I said âCan’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.â He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
They’re not wrong