Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
You Might Also Like
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?