I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.