I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
men are simple creatures
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”