therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie