When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up