Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.