It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.