[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Had to try this trend 😊
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Great game to play with friends
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.