[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.