going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
You Might Also Like
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
was Jim off killing horses or…
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.