I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
seems like a niche market
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied