Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet