Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them