Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”