Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
the three branches of government
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.