What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.