“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Have a lovely day 😊
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot