Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.