Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
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When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope