I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats