My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The glockness monster
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”