AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not