surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice