Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
You Might Also Like
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”