*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Saturday
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.