Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!