Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone