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I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.