I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”