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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*looks at you in batman voice*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Practicing safe sax
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…