The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
This will never not be funny 😭