A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?