When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?