Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
You Might Also Like
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.