My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
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I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords