I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Me trying to “trust the process”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.