I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Good news
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”