Current mood: Potato
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
never ask a starfish for directions
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*serious situation*
My brain:
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale