HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?